Category Archive Coming out of midlife crisis fog


Coming out of midlife crisis fog

Jim Conway had once written a set of midlife crisis stages, based the stages of grief written by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, with one stage added. When I wrote out the below set of stages back init was always wrongly assumed, that I had taken and directly revised the writings from Dr.

However, his version and my version do not read anything alike, and they were never meant to. Within this six stage writing, the titles only, were used. The descriptions, however, were authored by myself-these were drawn from personal experience, as well as the experiences of others.

He wrote from a combination of direct personal experience and his pastoral counseling experience, whereas I have continued to write from personal experience, insight provided to me by God, and from my observations over the years. Mr Conway has a very unique perception within his writings, as these were and still are, guided directly by God.

It was quite clear this same influence carried him into many new aspects and though, he was not certain at times where it all came from, he wrote it all down anyway, as the information he offered for public consumption was that important.

I have seen so many things he wrote bear out, as he told the truth in everything he wrote. For anyone to assume that he was wrong, simply because his belief system differs from theirs, would do so in error.

Conway was never wrong, he was simply different in the way he brought his points across. Some people will come through this trial faster than others, some will be slower-some might show one stage at a time, some might show MORE than one.

coming out of midlife crisis fog

The word Denial should speak for itself, as the person in this stage denies their feelings pretty strongly. They had always, up to this point, felt they were still in their prime or youthful, and had been ignoring the aging that was sneaking up on them. When reality of their own aging finally hits home, they panic. The midlife spouse attempts to treat the young man or young woman as they did when they were three or four years old—only the teen is probably aboutstarts to rebel against being treated like a small child, which increases the confusion of the Midlife spouse.

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They go on to try to make up for lost time, only to find rejection at the hands of their teenagers, and though they are hurt, they react in the only way they know how-Anger. As the Midlife spouse has aged, so does the spouse. We cannot help what heredity does to our looks; but their spouses are also a reflection of them, how they have treated them, what they have given or with-held.

This stage is mostly quiet storming inside their heads, no one knows what they are thinking, only that they have become withdrawn somewhat because of their minds being so active. If asked, they will tell you they are fine, and if you listen closely, their answers are a little short-tempered; because they just want to be left alone to think it all out.

The irritability alone wears on them and they react with MORE anger-not really understanding it, but just going on with it, thinking they are saying what they really feel for the first time in their lives; walking all over anyone who stands in their way.

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They begin to think if they could just CHANGE their life, they would be happy, but even the thought of change, makes them angrier. Others will begin to take drugs, drink, continue with their quest for youth, and search of self…. They are still searching for outside sources to blame for their misery, and Replay is a perfect time for a totally stable man to go crazy and start an affair-although the SEEDS for this affair were probably planted while in the Anger stage.

They undergo a gradual change in the first two stages, going from what they were to the direct opposite during this time. Now, we have traveled through the first three stages, and during those stages, the issues that are inside the Mid Lifer have STILL not been looked at. Nothing has helped the first three stages-everything they have tried has NOT turned to gold, on the contrary everything has turned to stone, for lack of a better word to describe their running-and now comes the time to begin to face their damage, and this is done inside-because that is what Depression is-anger turned inward.

Their hormones are out of whack, due to physical changes, and that makes them feel worse. Their self-esteem is shot all to pieces, and they feel like failures. They wonder if they will ever be worth anything to anyone. Some are in so much pain, they commit suicide, some get smart and get anti-depressants to help them begin to clear their thinking processes, some suffer in silence, thinking nobody understands them or will understand what they are going through-and so it goes on.

Pieces of the next stage are contained within, and Withdrawal begins to come to the fore as each individual issue is faced-it is a gradual slide from Depression to Withdrawal or both stages can occur together. Just as the first four stages have been overt,this one particular stage is mostly covert, subject to a deep introspection, as they consider the beginning of what is either the end, or a new beginning within their lives at this point.

There is a choice to stay or run away, and so begins for a time, a concentrated effort to influence the spouse, that has stood so patiently for so long, to go on and end the marriage as it stands. As hard as it is, the spouse is encouraged to continue standing still, and learning to lead the mid-lifer forward at right times gently, but firmly even as they still observe the deep struggle within.

These decisions in turn, will help them cross over into the final stage—Acceptance.Many men have had or will face a midlife crisis. Others take on a young, unmarried, pimply girlfriend from work—with nothing but time, energy and lack of humanity to fawn all over your beloved.

To say I was devastated is putting it mildly. But I faced this issue like I face many problems in life. After 15 years of marriage plus another six of dating, I was not going to give up on my man just because he went nuts.

He was a good guy, we had a great marriage, and we had unlike many marriages good sex! Yet the last 18 months were life-changing: the death of his dad, his brand new tyrant boss and, of course, the death and demise of his ultimate role model, Joe Paterno from Penn State. The life changes in him were slow. First his obsession with growing his hair long.

I watched in horror as my always-do-the-right-thing man of honor reverted to an all-about-me year-old teen who hunched his shoulders and dry-heaved at the slightest mention of commitment or paying the mortgage on time. Get out of his way so he can grow up alone; that will get him out of his fog sooner.

Stay busy. Take care of yourself and your kids.

coming out of midlife crisis fog

Make yourself go do fun things. Learn your mistakes in your marriage who is perfect? When talking to him, you must remain calm, happy, supportive, positive and neutral.

Do not let him see you sad or angry. Say nothing negative. Even laughing or making fun of his immature actions will cause him pain.

Therapy helps.

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For both of you. Just be sure to find a marriage therapist whose goal is to keep marriages together ask, because some do not have this goal. Keep good buddies. Get a group of five to 10 friends whom you can call to yell, scream and freak out about what your husband is doing.

Also let them know that when this is over, you vow to listen to their woes without speaking for the next five years. And no matter how much you whine, complain or protest, his journey will end when his journey ends. Acting insane like him will only make you look foolish and possibly have him run away when his crisis is over. Being a shining light of comfortable, steady positivity for your man in crisis will have him thanking you for years to come.

Remember, we all make mistakes. Have hope and faith that when he comes out of his fog, you can rebuild your marriage to a place that will be better than before! Too many people let ego win and then just give up.

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If you love him, until divorce papers arrive, you are still married.A good portion of my time for this website is devoted to mentoring people who are struggling with infidelity in some way.

The vast majority of those betrayed spouses are desperately trying to figure out what the hell is running through the minds of their cheating spouses. Their spouses are acting strangely to say the least. Ah yes, the affair fog. A curious and frustrating for the BS frame of mind the cheater goes through while in the midst of their affair.

A few years back I found this definition of the affair fog somewhere online. The thrill of the affair envelopes the wayward partner in good feelings, and the excitement can be overwhelming. They feel a new high, a feeling of being in love. They begin to rationalize with themselves in order to cover up their feelings of guilt. Next begins a repeated internal dialog of the rationalizations over and over again in their minds.

Their beliefs are reflected in their actions; loving to the affair partner, and angry and hostile towards the betrayed. Wash, rinse, and repeat, and soon, they are deeply entrenched in the fog. Also a few years back, Linda and I recorded a session for the Affair Recovery Group where we addressed the affair fog.

Here is a transcribed excerpt from that session…. Maybe give your opinion on some of the ones that I mentioned. Then they go back to their affair partner and talk about it. I would say, six months later, yes, but was it my behaviors? It was a combination of things. I realized that because I was acting in a predictable way and giving you the safety net, that if I would have started behaviors that were unpredictable of me, I think that would have woke you up.

If would have started preparing my own life, with or without you, and just started doing some things on my own…like getting finances in order… I did start going out with friends a lot more, and I started taking exercise classes.

I think that woke you up a little bit.

Returning Back: The First Awakening

Even when I saw the phone logs in January, the next night, we went out with friends and had a great time. Most of the time, because of the kids, I acted like nothing was happening.

I continued the pattern of our life like everything was okay. As I said, I stayed predictable. Our life stayed secure.

Everything was okay. It was just the same life over and over again. Honestly, I tried to even make it a better life than what we had. We would be more intimate. What would it be like if this was over? I never told you I would leave you because you were in an affair. I think I needed to be more honest with you, but I was afraid that if I was, you would leave. I was afraid to upset you, I was afraid to do anything that would look negatively on me, and I regret all that. It helped to re-establish a bond that we had and intimacy and kick-started our relationship again — and our friendship.

There are people like that. There are a lot of things that people have to consider about reality. There are all kinds of repercussions for these things, and none of them are really good. I certainly included that in there, as well.I also touch on the important aspect of learning to set behavioral boundaries on bad behavior.

I have always had a habit of explaining hard to understand aspects in more than one way, so if this article seems repetitive, I apologize. When a mid-life spouse awakens, they find much the same aspect, everything has changed, or is changing except their awakening occurs in gradual steps.

There is another step, but that one applies to the mid-life affair. Since we have a number of situations currently dealing with an affair, here are the steps of the awakening in that context:. In both cases, their awareness begins to sharpen, at least for awhile. They begin some damage control in order to hopefully prevent the left-behind spouse from walking away. The reason they think that is the left behind spouse has often come to the point where their back is gradually turning on the mid-life spouse.

When this is seen, they often do not want it to happen. Many a mid-life spouse, because of entitlement feelings, pure arrogance, rebellion, thinking things will not change, and assuming that no matter what they do or say, the left-behind spouse is not going anywhere, will go as far as they are allowed to go in the way of wreaking havoc in the lives of their spouses and families. I will further explain, as aspects, like adultery or even divorce, for example, are indirect actions that you will choose to either accept, or reject, depending on your psychological makeup, and what you can tolerate from a person, i.

Learning to develop healthy boundaries is important. The left-behind spouse, who is watching the mid-life spouse do things that directly affect them, should learn to set firm limits designed to halt the mid-life spouse in their tracks. Now, bear in mind, these boundaries were usually never set before, and so the left-behind spouse is often fearful. However, at first, the mid-life spouse will begin straightening out for the wrong reasons; they will often do it for the spouse, rather than for themselves.

However, it is not a trick of any kind. As long as there are issues to face, the fog will continue pulling them into it, thick and deep. This is the fog of the past, their issues left to be worked out that they are so often lost within, and wander around in. Now, the boundary-setting aspect does NOT work in the case of a mid-life spouse who is still deeply engaged within an affair, as the affair must run its total and complete course. However, if and when the awakening on the part of the mid-life spouse happens, it occurs not long before the affair is broken down completely.

Once this begins, the mid-life spouse also has to perceive the left-behind spouse as having moved beyond their reach, even in this kind of situation, before the mid-life spouse will gain enough emotional strength to end their illicit liaison.

At any rate their awakening, regardless of how it comes about, is usually triggered as a result of a loss real or imagined perceived as coming, or is about to happen. This leads to a greater awareness within them, and various changes begin to occur as a result. They will even make most or all the changes they could have made years ago, but never did.

However, you will see they are trying their best to make things right. The left-behind spouse, who is at the point of being completely prepared to handle them, will know this will not last, and so, they will simply take what they can get, while this period of time continues. In addition, they will continue walking their journey forward, continuing to lead the mid-life spouse right along with them as the Stanchion they were called upon to be.

The mid-life spouse cannot move that far backward into full fog again, once awakened in this way. If they run backward, it will be with full knowledge and awareness, and it is much harder to justify bad behavior, when one fully knows it is wrong.

Even if they run at that point, they will not run for long before they make their way back. It takes a lot of patience to watch the antics of a mid-life spouse, most especially once they have moved through this awakening process. You will know from their current, and later actions they are not completely done with the mid-life crisis as yet. At any rate, the awakening is another aspect of the crisis, and it is important as it will eventually help to move the mid-life spouse forward into the next stage that awaits them.

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Returning Back: The First Awakening

Mid Life Crisis Articles. HeartsBlessing SinceHearts Blessing has been a pioneer in the area of knowledge and information written about the Mid Life Crisis.People who are having a midlife crisis are thought to be struggling with their own mortality and, somewhere during midlife, they ditch some of their responsibilities in favor of fun.

That's why the term "midlife crisis" often causes people to picture mistresses and sports cars. And a midlife crisis is a phase that helps people feel youthful again as they struggle to come to terms with the fact that their lives are half over.

coming out of midlife crisis fog

In fact, a midlife crisis could turn into something positive. Not everyone experiences a midlife crisis. In fact, some researchers believe the notion of the midlife crisis is a social construct. A national survey of Midlife in the United States conducted a poll to determine how many people experience midlife crises.

Approximately 26 percent of the participants reported having a midlife crisis. Most of the participants reported that their midlife crisis occurred before age 40 or after 50, however.

That raises the question about whether these crises were truly related to midlife since midlife is typically considered age Out of the one in four people who say they had a midlife crisis, the vast majority say it was brought on by a major event, rather than age. Factors that triggered the crisis included life changes such as divorcejob loss, loss of a loved oneor relocation.

Researchers often disagree on what constitutes a midlife crisis. Of course, what one person defines as a crisis may not be consistent with what another person considers to be a midlife crisis.

His Midlife Crisis … a Personal Experience

For many people, midlife is a time when relationships and roles are changing. Some people may need to begin caring for aging parents during midlife. Others may become empty nesters —or they may feel as though their teenagers are growing up too fast. For other people, middle age may be a time of regrets. Some people may regret not choosing a different career path or not creating a life they once dreamed about living.

The aging process becomes more apparent than ever during this time as well. Some individuals may develop illnesses while others may begin to notice a decline in their physical abilities.

For some individuals, midlife may be a time of immense reflection.MLCers seek control. They feel presently controlled and that they have lead a passive existence, of external control.

Ironically Midlife Crisis is a loss of personal power; an MLCer gives up power over his emotions, and reacts. He will yield power, though unknowingly, to the person of strength. Do not abuse this; do not accept power.

But, understand that he needs guidance. Use his trust to gently guide him toward internal Faith and Self-worth through your positive actions and responses--be an example. Reassure him of your feelings and presence. He has no answers, only questions; he is lost and confused, and ironically he will cycle at times being unaware of his confusion and at other times frustrated and angry in those moments where he realizes the problems lie within himself.

Since he is confused and yet denying it to himself and others, when you ask questions he will feel cornered and forced to answer.

What Can Bring a Man Out Of a Mid-life Crisis?

If you are strong and self-confident, he will look to you for answers. Instead of questions, make statements affirming his and your knowledge in a positive outcome, and his worthiness. He doubts himself and trusts in the person who seems internally strong and confident. If the person of strengths belittles and insults him, he will believe the insults.

If the person of strength praises and shows confidence in him, the MLCer can learn to believe those positives. What you are doing is a form of hypnosis. Make positive statements in factual language.

He will come to believe those things about him and these will be his personal beliefs--he will come to believe in himself, in reconciliation, in you and your love--in whatever you are praising with firm confidence. You are building a foundation of strength within yourself; the immediate MLCer reactions to this early structure may have been positive. You began acting and responding in a manner different than expected and he began responding and questioning his actions.

But MLC doesn't work that easily. If you do not accept that MLC is a long process, you have created a cycle for yourself wherein you interpret actions as positive and thus believe he is progressing quickly--skipping ahead to the end of the MLC tunnel.

Sorry, but that is not how it works. He is in MLC because he missed crucial developmental stages at an earlier age, he cannot continue to skip these stages and come through this crisis stronger and spiritually awakened.The stages of a midlife crisis are similar to what one would experience while going through the stages of grief.

This feeling may be because someone going through a midlife crisis is becoming more aware of their mortality. Here are the six stages of a midlife crisis and some behaviors that may be associated with each step.

coming out of midlife crisis fog

This means that they may become obsessed with trying to appear younger. Cosmetic surgery and the heavy use of age reducing products may become prevalent. Many people start dressing in such a way as to appear younger. Some people will make extravagant purchases to look younger and more in style. Anger starts to build up in the first stage of denial. Whereas the first stage was more about introspection, the second stage involves lashing out at those around them.

They often feel as though life has treated them unfairly. As a result, they get furious at those that are close to them. This stage can be rough for family members to cope with because their loved one may say hurtful things to them. The behavior is characterized by becoming very self-centered and not caring about the feelings of others.

Many people even lash out at work. This behavior can result in problems with your boss and other co-workers. You may find yourself not caring about whether you get fired or not. This stage is where you may try to act out your past glory days.

People tend to what to recapture all of the things that they used to do. You may even find yourself feeling entitled to have whatever you want. This behavior can be destructive and may result in extra-marital affairs.

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